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I have not written significantly in 4 months.  One of the many things that I have been thinking about in this long self-imposed silence (I miss those periods of isolation from time to time) is “Hell”. This has nothing to do with any religious views in particular, but more a concept of suffering. Is there not a person who has thought to themselves, I am going through hell, this is hell, etc, Maybe it wasn’t four months, could have been three months, might have been forty years, Funny how time plays tricks with our heads, makes us think like 20, 40 or 50, when we are really 30, 50 or 60.  And in times of stress, it either drags or flies by, blending with time and confusing reality. Of course, what is reality? You will come to a place below where there is a brief description of Einstein’s theory of relativity and a quote.

There are many reasons I have not written, the most notable being the metastatic cancer that my wife, the most wonderful person on earth has been battling for 14 years.  And is now in the battle once again, I have lost count which time this is. She is also the bravest, most remarkable woman and happiest person I have ever known. And I have known some extremely outstanding men and women in my life. But watching her suffering and fighting for life has been Hell for me, physically and emotionally. And while I have not walked through flames I have in my way walked through hell. Anyone who has experienced this kind of purgatory knows exactly what I mean.

This is going to be a bit of a trip through some of the bright spots and dark, dank recesses of  my mind. In other words, I have, and most likely will continue to ramble as thoughts occur to me,and we may get lost along the way, but no matter, we will end up where we are.

I think a ladybug, stuck on her back, struggles to turn over, fighting to survive, even if only instinctively, supremely innocent of what death means, she struggles against the unknown. This must be some kind of fear, or maybe not? For the ladybug is like us, energy cannot be destroyed only changed. The little ladybug may know she is about to become a butterfly. And yes, I know butterflies do not come from ladybugs. But that little ladybug is in her own Hell.  And don’t tell her butterflies do not come from ladybugs, because maybe if she believes it strongly enough she will fly off on beautiful wings.

I have spent months trying to figure out how one might describe Hell, many have tried, and I at times, the last few months have had hell cross my mind.  I know I am not the first to attempt such an undertaking. My advantage is that I do not want to succeed. In addition, truth is told we will never know until we know, and now I am sounding like Yogi Berra.

Speaking of Yogi Berra, or at least now that we are speaking of Yogi Berra, my favorite story about him is, when his mother asked, “Yogi don’t you know anything?” Yogi responded, “Mom, I don’t even suspect anything”

Dante standing next to the gates of hell.

Dante in his divine comedy was perhaps right.  Never mind about canticas of which there are 3 and 33 cantos and the number 3 representing the length of each cantica.  Trying to figure that out may be hell in its self. However, I have decided that hell does indeed have multiple levels and it’s all snarled up in the human serving of grief that comes to all who live on earth. With perhaps a dream, a faith, that only the soul’s liberation from this body and letting go can release a state of agony called life.

I have come to believe. Almost sure, or I at least suspect something.  And that is that Hell does have multiple levels and we may be living them today, perhaps as I wrote in “Today’s Dream Yesterdays Life”, Just maybe we are turned inside out and upside down, the sky is the sea and the sea the sky, dimensions pasted over dimensions, OK, Now before you become convinced that I have totally lost my mind, let us take a deep breath, and consider Einstein, sure Einstein can be a refreshing breath. Einstein’s theory in a consistent concrete reality was clear to him, so much, so that he totally rejected the separation we experience as the moment of now. He believed there is no true division between past and future, there is rather a single existence. His most descriptive testimony to this faith came when his lifelong friend Besso died. Einstein wrote a letter to Besso’s family, saying that although Besso had preceded him in death it was of no consequence, “…for us physicists believe the separation between past, present, and future is only an illusion, although a convincing one.”

Albert Einstein

These are musings, flights of fantasy, things while in my solitude have at one time or another come sometimes racing, other times tip toeing through my mind and I found intriguing enough to place here. I hope I have not put you through hell trying to figure out what I am talking about.

So now we have covered everything from a little baseball to Einstein’s theory of relativity, and I can’t help but wonder if the two might be joined in time and space trying to figure out exactly the best way to throw a fast ball and have it curve over and over again.

Oh but I was going to describe my idea of hell. Truth is I have no idea.

It is a personal thing, hell is, and we all have been there.